[ Narrator ] This is the story of four orphans brought together by fate.
They didn't know it yet...
but there was something greater in store for them-
something epic.
Meet our first orphan- Lucy.
She had been raised by a kindly old museum curator.
- But alas... - Ohh!
he was murdered.
Ow.
Oh, please don't die.
- [ Grunting ] - Please don't die. You're all I have.
You're on my hand.
[ Groans ]
Oh, sorry.
It's a code.
But what is it?
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God! Oh, God! The code! Please! Give me another clue!
I didn't read the book on tape.
Habeas corpus. E pluribus unum.
God. Um, the code, please.
Uh- Um-
[ Whimpering Continues ]
''I''! ''I.'' Da-Da-Da- Da Vinci!
Right!
Oh, God. Oh.
Oh.
''So lame the hair ofTom.''
Wait. ''Lame.''
''Lame'' is a-
''Lame'' is a seven-letter word.
The code is seven! Right!
[ Beeping ]
[ Whimpering ]
Oh, thank- [ Groans ]
Right.
[ Narrator ] Then there was our next orphan, Edward.
He was living in a Mexican monastery with all the other children.
I'm not eating that.
Be grateful, Eduardo.
Today I made something especially scrumptious.
[ Flies Buzzing ]
Nacho!
Nacho...
cheese flavored Doritos are delicious!
Ah-choo!
[ Yells ]
I'm sick of this!
I'm going to be a lucha libre wrestler.
You think you are better than the other orphans?
- Yes. - Chanchito!
Come. Teach him a lesson in humility.
You gotta be kidding me.
[ Groaning ]
[ Yelling ]
You like the flavor of the beans going up your nose?
- [ Yelling ] - [ Bones Crunching ]
Just take his arm and spin it around!
- [ Screaming ] - Chanchito, throw him off the table.
[ Screaming Continues ]
[ Grunts ]
Sweet! [ Screaming ]
And stay out, cabron.!
[ Snoring ]
[ Narrator ] Our next orphan, Susan...
was on her way to Namibia to meet her new adoptive parents.
- Can I get you a cocktail? -Just some water.
Okay. What can I get you to drink?
[ Man ] Morejuice, please.
[ Hissing ]
- [ Screaming ] - [ All Screaming ]
I chose the wrong day to fly!
Enough is enough!
I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!
- So have I! - Enough is enough.!
I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!
- Right! - I've had it...
with these motherfuckin'snakes on this motherfuckin'plane.!
Why do you keep saying that?
Because Internet bloggers love it when I say...
I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!
All right. We get it already. Okay?
No, I don't think you do!
I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin'plane.!
- Why are you yelling? - Shit, bitch, I'm always yellin'!
I'm Samuel motherfuckin'Jackson!
Bitch?
[ Grunting ]
[ Screaming ]
- The designer understands these things. - Darling, you look great.
I'm so hot.
[ Screams ]
[ Barking ]
Yes!
[ Narrator ] And finally...
our last orphan, Peter.
He made his home among the undesirables of society- the mutants.
But even there he was an outcast.
Hi, Mystique. Hi, L.C.
Right, um, so, anyway, I was wondering...
would you like to come to the homecoming dance with me?
As if.
Nice hair, Rogue.
You talkin' to my girl...
numbnuts?
[ Scoffs ]
Asshole.
[ Giggles ]
- Fight. Fight. Fight. - Fight! Fight!
What are you gonna do about it?
[ Exhales ]
He's unleashing his powers!
He's gonna spread angel wings!
[ Clucks ]
[ All Laughing ]
More like chicken wings!
[ Laughing Continues ]
Break it up. Break it up.
You all know Peter is too much of a pussy to stand up for himself.
- [ Groans ] - [ Laughing Continues ]
Aah!
[ Narrator ] And for these four orphans...
life would never be the same.
[ Locks Unlocking ]
Gross.
[ Gasping ]
- [ All Laughing ] - Welcome.
You must be Susan.
And you... are Peter.
And you're Edward.
And you-
[ Sighs ] You're Lucy.
I've been expecting you.
[ Whispers ] So, come on!
Ooh! [ Muttering ]
[ Orphans Gasping ]
I love your legendary candy.
A chocolate river!
[ Laughing ]
Mmm!
It's delicious!
[ Laughing ]
It's so delicious!
[ Gurgling ]
- Yea! - [ Laughs ]
[ Laughing ] Chocolate!
That's, uh-
- That's actually the sewer line. Yeah. - It's delic-
[ Retching ]
[ Laughs ]
Children, do you want to know...
what makes all my candy taste so special?
Uh-huh.
It's a special, secret ingredient.
It's real human parts.
There's gonna be a little itty-bitty piece of each and every one of you...
inside of the Yummy Yum candy- literally.
I'm gettin' out of here.
[ Susan Whimpering ] Let us out, freak!
No, no. I can't do that.
- Yes, you can. - Yes, you can.
You're... mine now.
[ Orphans Whimpering ]
[ All Screaming, Shouting ]
[ Yells ] Aah!
[ Shrieking ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Orphans Screaming ]
- [ Sizzling ] - [ Screaming Continues, Fades ]
[ Inhales ] Ow!
[ Inhales ] Aah!
What are you doing?
- Willy told me he wanted his knob polished. - Dumb-ass.
We've gotta get out of here.
- We gotta get out of here. - I just said that.
You just said that.
Where are we gonna go? I don't have a home to go back to.
I thought this golden ticket was my lucky break.
The curator was all I had.
I never had anyone. I raised myself.
And that's why you have such a tough exterior?
Yeah.
And you're kinda bitchy.
- Why us? - Because we're four kids nobody would ever miss.
We'll be stuck here till we die.
Shut up, Edward. You're scaring her.
Don't tell me what to do! You're not my father!
- [ Laughs ] Two for flinching. - Oww! Aah!
Leave Peter alone. He was just sticking up for her.
[ Groans ]
I can take care of myself.
Like it or not, we're all in this.
It's obvious we don't like each other, but if we're going to survive...
we have to stick together.
- [ Grunts ] - Aah!
- Ow. - Was the fight over?
I didn't know.
- [ Willy ] Hey.! - Shh! Someone's coming.
Who wants to chew my gum balls?
It's Willy. Hide!
[ Willy ] Where are you?
[ Willy ] I'm gonna find you.
[ Screams ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Toy Squeaks ]
[ Gasps ]
Wow.
[ Gasping ]
[ Gasping Continues ]
Ooh! Oh.
[ Gasping ] Ooh.
[ Whimpering ]
It's stuck. It's- It's stuck.
[ Whimpering Continues ]
You can do it!
- [ Screams ] - [ Grunts ]
[ Gasps ] My tongue!
My ba-a-a-a-ad.
[ Sniffing ]
Where am I?
The world of Gnarnia.
[ Lucy ] Oh.!
A silent ''G,'' as in ''gnome.''
Or ''gnarly.'' [ Chuckles ]
- For legal purposes. - Mm-hmm.
- I'm Mr. Tumnus. - Oh, my name is Lucy.
What are you?
I'm a faun. Half man, half goat.
- Oh, so you mean- - Yeah. Dad screwed a goat.
These are my folks.
Oh.!
- You have her goatee. - Thanks.
[ Giggles ]
- And you? - Oh. No.
Both of my parents are human.
Eew. Gro-o-o-ss!
Aah- No. Yeah.
So, you are a daughter of Eve, huh?
Uh-huh.
How rude of me. Let me show you around.
Oh. Oh! Oh!
I- I-
Welcome to my faun crib.
Ooh! Always gotta have Cristal.
For when Diddy's in the house. Yo, Diddy!
Say ''What's up?'' to the honeys.
Check out my plasma.
Say hello to my little friend!
Wanna play us? Okay. Let's play.
Scarface is the shit!
I'm Tony Fauntana!
You mess with me, you're messing with the best!
You ain't a true player unless you got flat screens everywhere.
In the toilet, when I'm taking a leak.
[ Warbling ] Say hello to my little friend!
Wanna play us? Okay, let's play!
This is my favorite part.
[ Machine Gun Fire ]
[ Whistles ] Whew!
Under the couch for when I'm looking for change.
Boo-yah! Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ching!
On the top of her head for when she, you know...
[ Inhales ] shines my hooves.
So now you all seen my crib.
So get the hell out!
Well, I really should be getting back.
No, but you, um, must stay.
Oh, Mr. Tumnus, I'll never forget you.
Please take this to remember me by.
[ Sneezes ]
- [ Clears Throat ] - And I you.
I'm sorry.
Lucy...
you are in danger.
- What are you- - You must go now.
Oh! What's wrong?
Take this. It will explain everything.
[ Door Slams ]
[ Shutter Clicks ]
- [ Man ] Confirm identification. - [ Gasps ]
My eyes! My-
Oh.
Well, that's better than LASI K.
- [ Shutter Clicks ] - The evil White Bitch who rules Gnarnia...
has ordered anyone who finds a human to turn them in.
I brought you ba-a-a-ack to my lair to betray you...
but I couldn't do it.
You are a true friend.
She has plunged our once-peaceful land into eternal winter.
Under her two terms, we now have...
wiretaps, no gay marriage...
not to mention her bumbling of the hurricane relief effort.
And-And the White Bitch doesn't care about black people.
There is a small resistance movement.
They learned she's developing a weapon of mass destruction...
that can kill all of us.
[ Gasps ]
Wait, a real W.M.D., or, like, a fake Saddam one?
No, a real one.
That sounds bad.
Go now, before she finds you.
- But- - There's no time to argue.
Go no-o-o-o-ow!
[ Man ] This message will self-destruct in one second.
Wait-What?
[ Screaming ]
[ Willy ] Come out, come out, wherever you are.
- Lucy? - [ Willy ] Who wants to play with Willy?
Lucy, move over. I need someplace to hide.
Lucy. Lu- [ Spitting ]
Who lives here? Liberace?
[ Grunting ]
Aah!
This is a really big wardrobe.
What a MI LF.
[ Groaning ]
You're a son of Adam.
A what? No, I'm Edward.
I'm sorry, Your Majesty. I-
- I was following Lucy into the wardrobe and- - Lucy?
- How many are in your family? - No.
Lucy, Peter and Susan are not my family.
We're all just a bunch of orphans.
- [ Gasps ] - The prophecy!
- [ Screaming ] - Please.
Let me help you up.
Wow.
- Oh, you must be parched. - Yes.
Whoa.
Wow. A 40?
- Ah. - Drink.
Fresh dog piss. Go ahead.
Yeah! [ Laughs ]
I love this place.
And this can all be your new home.
With my help, you can be king.
- Wha-What? King? - [ Screams, Grunts ]
He can't be king- Oww!
And you would be my queen?
[ Mutters ] I've never had a girlfriend before.
Oh!
[ Sucking ]
- [ Pop ] - Ah!
How about that?
Oh, but first I must meet the others.
Why? You're not gonna make Peter king too, are you?
Oh! No.
But every king needs subjects to boss around.
[ Screams ]
But, Your Majesty-
- [ Zap ] - [ Screams ]
[ Gasps ]
Behold, my white castle.
[ Edward ] White Castle?
I feel like I've been there before.
Bring me the others, and I'll crown you king.
[ Chuckling ] Yes!
[ Screaming ]
[ Engine Starts, Revs ]
Lucy?
Edward!
You went through the wardrobe too.
- [ Peter ] Lucy.! - [ Susan ] Lucy.!
- Edward.! - Edward?
This is quite a hiding place.
We have to go now. We're in grave danger.
Oh, no, no. We should stay right here. What's the hurry, Lucy?
I mean, they just got here.
Hey, look! I'm spelling my name!
- Mm-mmm. - Please!
We have to go. Mr. Tumnus told me.
Mr. Tumnus? Who the bloody hell's that?
I love Sudoku!
He's a goat-man...
and he warned of great peril!
- Oh, Lucy. - Fine!
If you think I'm lying, just go ask him yourself.
Hmph.
[ Urinating ]
This is gonna be harder than I thought.
[ Urinating Continues ]
Hey, look! Nicole Richie!
[ Susan ] Mm-mmm.
Mr. Tumnus?
[ Door Closes ]
Shit. I know what happened.
- What the hell is that thing? - It's a talking beaver!
- Holy shit! - Get it outta here!
No! [ Screaming ] Motherf-
[ Exhales ]
Something in my groin tells me you're not used to a talking beaver.
My name is Harry Beaver.
Mr. Tumnus is my life partner.
Mmm. Sweet man.
[ Orphans Groaning ]
Mr. Tumnus was taken by the White Bitch.
She's hot- I mean, never heard of her.
The evil ruler. She arrested Mr. Tumnus for hiding a human.
Is there anything we can do to help?
Uh, yes. You must go to Aslo.
He's waiting for you at the Ancient Table.
- Who's Aslo? - Who's Aslo?
He's the true king of Gnarnia.
- [ Mutters ] Not for long. - Hello? The prophecy?
The four of you will join Aslo and lead the resistance to destroy the White Bitch.
- Us? - Yes. You're all heroes.
Especially you, Peter.
[ Man ] My son, I have sent you to Earth for a reason.
You will be the savior of all mankind.
You are truly invincible.
Oh, my God! You shot me in the fucking eye! That really hurts!
Why would you do that? That was so unnecessary! You bastard!
[ Screaming ]
- But I can't be. - [ Mock British Accent ] ''But I can't be.'' Why him?
Well, maybe not Superman, but a hero all the same.
It's your destiny.
[ Sighs ]
Do you think you were all brought together by chance?
Look at the clues. They're all around you.
[ Mutters ] Oh, that's nice.
We're all in the painting.
But what does it mean?
Right.
It's a ''cryptix.''
The curator taught me how to decipher these.
Upsy-daisy.
Be careful.
Well, what is it?
It's our birth certificates.
We all have the same last name and the same parents.
- I don't get it. - You're all related!
Brothers and sisters.
You're a family, for Christ sakes!
- Sorry. - Is it really true?
None of us ever had a real family before.
It's true. You're quadruplets.
- But our parents- - Killed by the White Bitch.
Then she separated the four of you so the prophecy would never be fulfilled.
Where's Edward?
Hey, honey, I'm home.
Hey, buddy. Did you miss me?
Ohh!
[ Groans ]
- Why? - 'Cause I ain't your buddy.!
Where are the others?
I thought we had something special.
I even got a tattoo with your name on it.
That looks more like 50 Cent's tattoo,you idiot.
Shit! They did the wrong one.
I won't ask again. Where is the rest of your family?
I told you, they're not my family.
Tell me where they are.
Never.
- Yeah, they went to Mr. Tumnus's house. - [ Laughing ]
Yes! Yes! You just got punk'd! Yes!
He did it! He did it!
Say it to the camera. Come on, say it right there.
- Say it! - I just got punk'd.
Schwow! Yeah!
We just punk'd Edward! Schwow! Schwow! Yeah!
That was awesome! Yeah! Yes!
This thing up here is all me, baby!
The trucker hat- That's awesome!
I did it. You love it. You'll take it. Punk'd 'im!
- That was really funny! Oh, my gosh! Too funny! - You are so annoying!
No, that was really funny though! [ Laughing ]
Schwow! Schwow! Schwow! Schwow! Schwow!
Candy-ass trucker hat!
Schwow. Schwow.
Silas!
The kids are with Mr. Tumnus.
I want you to find them and kill them.
Persona non grata. Magna cum laude.
Urts-hay oh-say ood-gay! Ooh!
Ooh.
No. No!
- Here. You goin' to prison. - Ow! Dude!
- Edward! - Edward! - Edward!
- Edward.! - Mr. Tumnus!
- [ Coughing ] - [ Lucy Gasps ]
I miss the smell of you, Harry Beaver.
Eew.
[ Moaning ] Oh, yeah.
The White Bitch did this to you? Shit!
And now she has Edward.
- We must rescue hi- - Get ahold of yourself, Lucy!
- Holy- - It's too dangerous.
If she catch you, you are as good as dead.
- [ Phone Ringing ] - Um, that's me.
[ Beeps ]
''The resistance has found out...
''that the White Bitch has completed her weapon of mass destruction...
and is going to launch it in 2 4 hours.''
Let's get the hell out of here!
Aslo is the only one that can help now.
Then take us to him.
[ Yells ]
What'd you do that for?
I forgot.
Before you meet Aslo, you must train.
Only then you can defeat the White Bitch...
and save your brother.
I'll meet you at Aslo's. May the Force be with you.
[ Blows ]
[ Shrieking ]
[ Shrieking Continues ]
Someone's coming. The bitch is on to you. You must go now.
- There you will train. - [ Silas Continues Shrieking ]
Go!
Mr. Tumnus?
I will stay behind and fight him off.
[ Silas Continues Shrieking ]
No matter what, you must not come back for me.
- Yep. - [ Silas ] Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi.!
Run!
[ Shrieking Continues ]
Stop!
If you want them, you'll have to go through me first.
[ Groans ] Please! Help!
- He needs our help! - [ Groans ]
- Help.! - No, Susan, Lucy.
He... wants us to go on.
He sacrificed himself for us.
Peter, if you can hear me...
come back now.!
- [ Groans ] - [ Gasping ]
I definitely underestimated the situation.
- [ Groaning ] - [ Gunshots ]
I'm in a lot of pain.!
What should we do?
Uh, we can't go back. We have to-
- We have to do what's best for Edward and for Gnarnia. - Screw Gnarnia.!
[ Gunshot ]
- He's testing us. - [ Gunshot ]
This is not a test.! I can see my brains.!
- [ Gunshot ] - [ Clucking ]
[ Clucking Continues ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Gunshot ]
Et tu, Brute?
Welcome! My name is Harry Potter!
Aren't you a little old to still be a student here?
Nonsense. I am but 1 4.
As are my two best friends, Ron and Hermione.
Greetings.
Hope you chicks are on the pill.
Harry likes to get wasted...
then show off his sorcerer's stones.
[ Farts ]
They are definitely too old to still be doing this shit.
We shall train you so you can defeat the White Bitch...
and restore peace to Gnarnia.
We'll show you everything we know, like how to use...
the invisibility cloak. [ Giggles ]
Oh, no! I'm completely invisible!
Where am I? Who's that?
- Where am I? I could be anywhere. - Harry. Harry!
Where am I?
[ Giggling ]
Step off, Potter!
Right. Wrong cloak.
Let the training montage begin!
Cue inspirational music.
- Get your hips nice and square. - Okay, uh-
- All right. I'll set it up for you. - Okay.
- You ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
Ipso facto ''patrolo!''
Oh! Yeah!
Do not cower in the face of danger!
Let nothing stand in the way of defeating your enemy! Come on, Peter!
Stop being such a little nancy boy!
Schoolgirl.! Pussy.! Chicken.!
[ Groans ]
Congratulations, Peter. Your training is now complete.
- You are now ready to meet Aslo. - Yes!
This crystal will finally put an end to the resistance.
I will start a series of earthquakes...
that will collapse all of Gnarnia...
and grow a new continent...
where only I and my followers will live.
Yo, Bitch, that's pretty much the plot of Superman Returns.
Pretty much, yeah.
- [ Beeps ] - It's an I.M. from Silas.
''The... keeds...
''have...
esca-puh-duh.''
''Escap-puh-duh. ''
''The keeds have esca-puh-duh.''
The kids have escaped!
Duh.!
[ Groans ]
I've got to catch and kill those children before they ruin everything.
See what else Edward knows.
Let me out!
Oh, I gotta get outta here.
I'm never gonna see my family again.
I'll get you out of here, mate.
Captain Morgan! I love your rum!
No! Captain Jack Swallows.
At your service.
Jack Swallows? [ Chuckles ]
That's kinda gay, dude.
Mmm.
I believe in your quest, son, and I'll reunite you with your family.
I've got a ship waiting for us.
Shh.
How are we gonna get out of here?
Ah!
[ Groaning ]
Man down! Man down!
I could have faked it!
[ Groaning ]
Quick! He needs your help!
[ Yells ]
Come, come! We haven't got all day!
[ Shouting, Chattering ]
Mmm!
Wow! A real pirate ship!
Peter, Lucy and Susan won't believe this.
Hey, this is awesome. What's it like being a pirate?
Yo-ho, Ed, let me break it down for you.
Word to the Kraken!
[ Gunshot ]
Time is winding, old boy.
So where's your family, eh?
They're on their way to the Ancient Tables to meet Aslo...
where he's assembled the resistance.
Interesting.
God, you're easy.
- [ Shouting ] - [ Electricity Crackling ]
Thanks, love. Oh, my.
Wait. So this whole thing was a setup just to get information out of me?
Sorry, mate. This isn't even a working pirate ship. Savvy?
[ Chattering ]
- Oh, shit! - It was nice doin' business with you, love.
Bugger!
[ Groans ] I'll get you for this...
you-you-
you... bitch.
I always hated you, Captain Jack Swallows.
You think I like wearin' this funny-lookin' hat? I'll roast your nuts!
So...
your family's going to Aslo.
Summon the troops.
If it's a war they want...
it's a war they will get.
Let's start things off with a bang, shall we?
- But you'll kill millions. - [ Chuckles ] Billions.
Come on. Let me hear you say it.
- My family will stop you! - Wrong!
[ Gasps ] Ooh!
[ Chuckling ]
[ Laughs, Gasps ]
[ Water Whooshing ]
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit. - [ Rumbling ]
Oh! Ooh!
Damn that Superman plot!
[ Horse Whinnying ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Growling Softly ]
My name Borat.
This my country of Gnarnia. Is nice!
[ Growling ]
She is my sister.
She is number four faun prostitute in all of Gnarnia.
Nice!
[ Growling Continues ]
[ Growling ]
Aslo?
- [ Gasps ] - Mmm!
Where you goin', doll face? I just took my Cialis.
Screw you, Aslo!
Ah, thanks a lot.
You're Aslo the Lion?
Li-man- half lion, half man.
- So you mean you're- - My father Siegfried boinked a lion.
But, you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
- [ Ice Rattling ] - Let me guess. The prophecy family.
Uh-huh. We've come a long way.
Whatever. You're missing one.
- Yes, our brother Edward. - Yes, our brother Edward.
He betrayed you, went to the White Bitch.
- Well, it wasn't his fault. - Yada yada yada.
- But the prophecy says- - ''But the prophecy, the prophecy.''
Fine. I'll help you get Edward back.
- Oh! - Mmm!
But there's something you've got to do for me.
What are you in here for, Mel?
You know.
Glug, glug. Vroom, vroom.
Whoo!
[ Scoffs ]
Listen, sugar tits. F.Y.I.
I like to sleep in the buff.
[ Groans ]
[ Roaring ]
- Wow. - [ Purring ]
Yeah.
- That was spectacular. - My butt's sore.
Uh-oh!
[ Farts ] Dutch oven!
- [ Laughing ] - [ Susan ] Ooh.!
[ Roaring ]
[ Growling ]
- It's Aslo! - [ Roaring ]
[ Both Screaming ]
[ Chuckles ]
In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.
[ Shouting ]
[ Shrieks ]
[ Growls ]
[ Shouts ]
[ Chuckling ]
Huh? [ Gasps ]
[ Shrieks ]
[ Growls, Groans ]
[ Shrieking ]
[ Shrieking Continues ]
[ Groans ]
[ Bones Cracking ]
[ Shouting ]
Come on, kids.
Peter? Lucy! Susan!
Oh, you guys, I've been such a prick. Won't you ever forgive me?
We already have.
- We're a family now. - We're a family now.
I like the sound of that.
- I love you guys. - Oh, have your Dr. Phil moment later.
- Now get out of here! - Go, go, go.
- Good-bye, Aslo. - [ Gasping ]
What? What's wrong?
He didn't make it.
[ Gasps ] Oh, shit! A talking beaver!
Wait!
- [ Groaning ] - [ Shudders ]
Oh, it's hard out here for a beaver.
You forgetful bitch! I already met you.
I know. Yeah.
Aslo never came back. The White Bitch killed him.
And it gets worse.
It's over.
The White Bitch will surely rule forever.
But we have you. You will lead us.
You're the future kings and queens of Gnarnia.
It will be an honor to fight for you, my lords.
We'll fight for you.
And so will we.
We'll stand behind you, Peter.
That bitch has threatened our mutant way of life for too long.
We believe in you.
[ Groans ]
Tomorrow, we fight.
So tonight, we party!
[ Cheering ]
Hello, Gnarnia! Are you ready for rock and roll?
[ All ] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!
- [ Cheering ] - Yeah!
- [ Laughs ] - Yeah!
You're up, Sis.
Uh-uh. I like to keep a clear head.
Come on. Loosen up for once. You wanna-
You wanna, you know, get your swerve on, like this.
[ Mutters ] Like that. And then-
[ Sighs ] No. Why? What's the worst that could happen?
- Maybe just one. - All right.
- Whoo-hoo! - [ All ] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Hi.
So, you're gonna be the king of Gnarnia?
- That's what they say. - Mmm.
I think that's so hot.
Why don't we get out of here. [ Chuckles ]
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
- Chug it! - [ Cheering ]
Whoo! Yeah!
[ Stomach Growling, Gurgling ]
[ Groans ]
I'm okay.
You're good?
- Hmm? - I'm okay.
[ Chuckling ]
- Oh! - [ Lucy Giggles ]
[ Exhales Sharply ]
[ Mutters, Groans ]
[ Belches ]
- Oh. - [ Groans, Shudders ]
- You know, I've got special powers. - Uh-huh.
I'm a shape-changer.
I can change my form into anything.
What do you like?
Uh-
Big hooters with silver dollar nipples?
All right.
And a ghetto booty.
Like- Like a lot of junk in the trunk, say.
[ Chuckles ] Kinky. Mmm.
Badonkadonk.
- And a mono-brow! - Come again?
Mono-brow! Mono-brow! King wants a mono-brow!
Okay, okay.
And big, flabby grandma arms.
Oh!
Bingo wings, like a fat, blue Britney Spears.
Oh, that's what I'm talking about.
Come here!
[ Both Moaning ]
Where is everybody?
I don't know. Maybe it had something to do with Susan puking on everyone last night.
We seem to be outnumbered.
[ Grunting, Shouting ]
[ Cheering ]
[ Clucking ]
[ Chuckles ]
No.
I'm not running anymore.
- Ow! - [ Mouths Words ]
Oh!
We may not have the numbers on our side or the weapons she possesses...
but we have something far more powerful.
Perky breasts?
The strength of our family.
I'd follow you anywhere, brother.
[ Grunting, Shouting Continue ]
[ Captain Jack ] Oh, my-
Revenge is... mine!
- [ Gasps ] -Jack Swallows!
Payback is a bitch, White Bitch!
You owe me your soul, Jack Swallows, and it's time to pay up!
Oh! She's blinded me, matey!
[ Grunting ]
Oh, bugger!
What a tool.
Show them no mercy.
[ Grunting, Shouting ]
[ All Shouting ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Knife Piercing Flesh ]
[ Groaning ]
Take that, Kumar! Huh!
- [ Both Groaning ] - [ Gasps ]
[ Groaning ]
No!
[ Groans ]
Oh, yes.
Yes, that's right. Grovel.
[ Whimpering ]
Just like your parents did before I killed them.
[ Beeps ]
Wow. Let's slow things down for a better look.
Ah.
Oh.! Oh, dear.
Oh, that's- That-That is dis-
- Oh. - [ Beeps ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunts ]
- Ooh! - [ Grunts ]
- Let's get 'em! - [ Shouting ]
[ Yells ]
[ Yelling ]
Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this.
[ Yelling ]
- [ Rumbling ] - It's the crystal!
- We're all gonna die! - We're all gonna die!
Give me the remote control.
Yes!
[ Chuckles ]
No, stop. We will not stoop to her level.
I hate those fuckin' kids.
The new Gnarnia will be a democracy...
complete with due process.
She shall be given a fair trial, judged by a jury of her peers.
- [ Gasps ] - [ Captain Jack ] Sorry, Bitch.
Right.
Oh, screw her anyway.
Make a beaver a hole. Get your butt out of my face.
Hot, moist beaver comin'through.
May I present the kings and queens of Gnarnia!
Peter the Heroic.
Susan theJust.
Edward the Loyal.
And Lucy the Dumb Shit.
All hail!
[ Narrator ] And so it was that Peter, Susan, Edward and Lucy...
restored peace to Gnarnia.
They were orphans no more. They were now a family.
They ruled Gnarnia for many years to come.
That is, until they found the wardrobe once again.
Let's cross streams.
[ Chuckles, Strains ]
There we go.
Oops! A little bit of blood.
It's-
- It's the wardrobe. - It's been so long.
It's been so long.
Chuck Norris rules.
[ All Shouting ]
[ Groaning, Grunting ]
We're young again!
[ Borat ] Jagshemash!
You did it! You make movie film have happy ending.
Not!
- [ Chuckles ] Oh, my- - [ Crew Laughing ]
- [ Susan ] Let us out, freak.! - No can do.
[ Chuckles ] I-
[ Crew Laughing ]
No. Captain Jack Swallows.!
- Shit. Swallowing! - [ Man ] Cut.
No! Captain Jack Swallows.!
[ Bleeps ] Sorry.
Wait. Can I ask you something about the sucking?
Am I- [ Laughing ]
Am I, like, sucking the chrome off, or is it-
- [ Man ] Yeah. - I mean- Okay.
- [ Crew Laughing ] - [ Man ] Here we go.
Oh! Hey!
Mmm. Mmm!
Well, guess what.
- [ Edward ] What? - Guess what.
First-
Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi!
When I'm makin' you stuff, quit cryin' and eat it!
Your mother ate it! She liked it. It was fine.
[ Bell Ringing ]
[ Beeping ]
- Where did I hit him? I hit him on the head. - [ Man ] Cut.!
- Shit. - [ Laughing ]
[ Beeping ]
We'll stand behind you, Peter.
That bitch has threatened our way of life-
Our mutant- [ Bleeps ] Shit. Sorry. Bollocks.
She shall be given a fair trial...
judged by a jury of her peers.
We shall build a courthouse...
with crushed velvet drapes and ample parking.
I'm so hot.
Oh, my gosh. I passed the yellow line. I just don't see it.
Li-man- half lion, half man.
[ Lucy ] So you mean you're-
My mom went to a party at Siegfried and Roy's.
She got drunk, and then it was her turn in the barrel.
It's a brutal game.
Justice shall reign supreme...
even for elves and fauns...
albinos and the Irish.
- [ Shouts ] - [ Laughing ]
- I saw stripes! - No! Man!
We shall revolutionize the health system.
There will be no more teenage pregnancies...
without my consent...
and without their consent.
I shouldn't have had sex with Shrek!
- Like it or not, we're all in- - [ Coughing ]
- You okay? - No. But go ahead.
- Like it or not, we're all in this. - Like it or not-
- Oh, I can't even do it now. - Let's do it.
Damn that Shrek! He said he wasn't a carrier.
Because, sweet tits, we're four kids nobody would ever miss.
We'll be stuck here till we dizz-i rizz-i.
[ Grunting ]
Don't t-zelle me what to d-zoo!
The White Bitch is no more.
Now, we shall be queens.
Last night, I had sex with a unicorn. Nice!
Hey, look. It's Lindsay Lohan.
I haven't got enough left for Roseanne.
[ Laughing ]
- Oh. So I was supposed to- I supposed to fall? - [ Man ] Cut it.
- It's supposed to hit me, right? - [ Woman ] Yes.
- Ooh! - [ Man ] Cut.!
Oh. But I need something about the others first.
But first- Sorry. Give me your hand.
Oh, no!
But kings need to boss their subject's ship-What's the line?
Yes.
Bring me the others, and I'll crown you the throne. Shit. Crown you what?
[ Grunting ]
[ Snickering ]
I'm big. I got big balls.
See Epic Movie...
or drunk Mel Gibson will hurt me.
Not!
[ Bleeps ] you.
So now you all seen my crib.
So get the hell out- Oh!